Boymoder
By Alex Being out as a trans person is not safe. Reasons are obvious, its dangerous to be a woman, it's dangerous to be trans. I feel like I got a chip on my shoulder pretending things that happen don't stoke the fear in me. I gotta be out and proud regardless. But I understand how the fear.. is destructive. The need for a "safe mode" in the community of trans women is common. Especially among early transitioners, among the employed. The same fear that kept us closeted the same energy reflected by the idea of "boymoding". That's what it signifies, the closet. Closeted-mode. Something rubs me wrong about the term boymoding. It's what you do when wearing boymode. Women can't wear pants and a t shirt. Boymode. Only boys wear hoodies didn't you know? High heels and long nails? No! Sneakers and calluses on working hands. Boymode. Safe Mode. How am I perceived by the community as a nonbinary girl who likes to wear typical lesbian attire? It makes me feel like if I wear jeans and a hoodie people think I'm closeted, hiding my true self, masking who I am, or "playing it safe" when that's totally not it. I just always looked at girls who wear that kinda clothes with envy, so I just go for it and do what I like, its my gender expression. I grew up in the 2000s, that was the style. Skater girl, lesbian, woman who enjoys practicality and comfort eh? She had it good in 2000 (except for the pervasive and explicitly enforced homophobia of course). I did wear the same clothes as this girl I liked, pretty much similar clothes at least. I was a boy then, at least so I thought. Maybe I was a boymoder. But damn she was so cool. To me, clothes don't have a gender, just as I don't have much of a gender. I wear what I want, and it comes from both the womens and mens section of the clothing store. Does that make me a boymoder? Boygirl? Tomgirl? Where does that leave me? Where does it leave all the damn lesbians of the world? Have trans women ever seen a cis lesbian? They're a category largely filled with boymoders by this logic. Applying this Reddit self-hate fearful dysphoric culture to cis people? They'd be offended like hell. These terms were invented by people who genuinely have reasons to fear for their lives. The closet is a shield. Boymoding is armor. But maybe the narrow-mindedness they were hiding from also helped form all these ideas, as boymode is a reaction to that. It's all formed as a reaction to a traditionalist, sexist, homophobic society, undoubtedly some of it snuck in that way. The internalized hate that kept us hiding, kept us closeted, I remember how that felt even if it feels long ago. I smashed that closet to bits when I came out, but it's foundation stayed with me for another couple years. I went from performing one gender to performing another. I didn't know how to feel about it all. Still didn't feel like home, dysphoria was heavy back then. It took another two years for me to finally be comfortable enough to dig a little deeper and find out who I really was. Really really. The fact is I'm not hiding I'm being me. And I'm not "boymoding" I'm wearing jeans. And I'm not safe, I got yelled at in the street last week, in jeans and a hoodie, with my braided hair and a hat. Damn those guys could really tell. I find no matter how stereotypically feminine you express yourself, typically it's the old school homophobic slurs we get hit with in these parts. Was I clocked? Does that term even make sense for a nonbinary? Was I perceived as a gay man? As a lesbian? I know this expression of boymoding isn't about me, as an enby, but I want to be accepted in the community just like everyone else, and I hear "boymoding" being tossed around and suddenly I have to explain myself just like I have to explain myself to cis people. I feel like an outsider again. I don't want to be perceived as someone who has one foot in the closet when I'm just expressing my truest self. I have to break free of cishet expectations and also transfemme expectations, I just gotta be me. Using this kind of language.. it sets us back. It becomes about me when I see narrow ideas of gender expression perpetuated in the community. This all feels... Sexist? Traditionalist? And it feels like I'm being judged for not daring to be femme enough. Not brave enough to realize my fully femme self. I get why that's what it looks like when you tend to project your own experiences onto others, I do that shit myself. But weren't we supposed to be past all this? Where did Judith Butler die, and get replaced with... Whatever this is? I thought clothes aren't supposed to have a gender. Terms of the past like "crossdresser" or "boymoder" were killed by this notion for me. Besides there's no crossdressing when you're nonbinary it is a nonsensical expression. It somehow to me sounds like "boymoding" perpetuates a narrow understanding of what women can/should wear. In this day and age, and among trans people.. how embarrassing. Funny thing is, in cis spaces, I'm just perceived as a girl who likes wearing pants. To my damn surprise half these cissiots didn't even clock me as trans at first. Wtf. Then I have to explain what a nonbinary is and they're perplexed and default me back to trans girl, because at least they can understand that. Back to index